What is this I don't even comprehend: A Hetalia Crackfiction
by Saedere
Summary: This here is just a crack-fiction I wrote one day during my lunch/study period at school. I hadn't been sleeping well so my creativity was just flowing out of my ears? Anyhow, I hope this abomination doesn't kill you.


The Axis Powers: Ludwig, Feliciano, and Kiku, now exhausted from a hard morning of training, headed inside to cool off. The trio seated themselves on a couch in the living room, but not before Ludwig cranked the air conditioner on high. Kiku leaned his head back, dragging out a sigh, not even noticing the Italian leaning on his shoulder, propping his legs up on Ludwig's lap. Ludwig made quick work of pushing Feliciano off, making him fall onto Kiku's lap, alerting the Japanese male and startling him. Kiku forcefully shoved Feliciano off of his lap, stuttering apologies after realizing what he'd done. Feliciano, still too tired to make much of a fuss, remained face-down on the floor, holding a thumb up to Kiku to signal that he was fine and accepted his friend's apology. Finally, the three were able to relax.

Unfortunately, the comfort was short lived. All of a sudden, Yao burst through the wall, piggybacking on a very drunk-looking Ivan.  
"RRRAAGH!", Yao screamed, "Spice up your day with Little Old Lady Tea Cubes, brought to you by KICKASSAUR!" It was then that Arthur and Francis dropped on from the ceiling, Mission Impossible playing in the background somehow, throwing tea cubes all over the Axis Powers. Ludwig remained in place, face now a ghostly white. All the sudden excitement had scared Feliciano and left him curled up, crying. As for Kiku, he scooped up as many of the tea cubes he could before dashing into the kitchen without a word.

After a long, awkward moment of silence, Ludwig spoke up.  
"Where did you come from?" He asked. Feliciano, who had calmed down by now, looked up to see that Kiku had gone.  
"Where did Kiku go," Feliciano inquired, before looking up at Arthur and Francis, "And where did those two come from?" Just as he finished, a very solemn looking Matthew silently waltzed in, donning white robes of the finest silk. In his hand was a candle. The Canadian looked like he could have started crying any second. Matthew's gaze traveled to his clogs, and he let out a sigh before speaking. His voice came out in a soft whisper.  
"Cotton Eyed Joe…," he said softly, before collapsing onto the floor, now a sobbing mess. Yao hopped off of Ivan's back, a pained look on his face.  
"No…," he said, "no… no no NOOOOOOOOO!" Yao fell to his knees, arms reaching to the sky, tears running rivers. Ivan didn't notice that Yao had hopped off of his back, and remained hunched over. Francis, being in one of his infamous pervy moods, took advantage of this. He took Ivan's pipe from his inside coat pocket, walked around behind Ivan, tightened his grip on the pipe, and smacked dat ass. Repeatedly.

Ludwig finally spoke up once more.  
"Wait… where is-" he was interrupted by a… by a wrecking ball busting through his wall?! On top of said wrecking ball sat Alfred, dressed in nothing but Ivan's muffler and cardboard replicas of Arthur's eyebrows taped to his face. The group stared in awe; and suddenly dollar bills started flying at Alfred. The source: Matthew and Yao. The pair whooped and whistled at the American Idiot whilst he sang Miley Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball". Feliciano noticed Alfred's voice getting deeper and more throaty, and the melody slowing down. The lyrics weren't even English anymore! Feliciano ran to Arthur, who was on his knees licking some of the tea cubes he had thrown earlier.  
"Arthur, Arthur, what's wrong with your bitch- I mean your brother?!" This made the Brit look up, tongue still hanging out of his mouth, only further tempting the deprived Italian.  
"Holy kitten in a blender!" Arthur explained. "He's turning into a demon! I think. I think he might be possessed..!" This caught the American's attention. His head turned 180 degrees to look at Arthur and Feliciano. His eyes rolled back in his head and he opened his mouth widely. Nothing could be seen but a black fuzzy thingymajigger.

"Yao go touch it" Matthew, Arthur, and Feliciano said in unison. Yao, not wanting to put in the effort to fight back, because yaknow, those guys are nuckin futs… went to go do so. The only problem was how with Alfred still perched on the wrecking ball, Yao was too short to reach. So he did the only thing he could think of; he grabbed Alfred's ankle, which was just within his reach, and gave it a little shake. Alfred's head whipped around to growl at Yao, but the second his throat started vibrating, all kinds of insects started swarming out from between Alfred's wide lips. Within seconds, the room was completely covered with small, black, slimy, leggy bugs.  
"Yes leggy is a word, I made it up therefore it's a thing now " said the German staring at you. Anyhow, the mass of bugs had every country writhing, screaming and howling in terror on the floor. Oh, who were these poor, poor nations going to call for help?

"BUG BUSTERSSSSSSSS!" shouted an obnoxious voice with a thick Danish accent.  
"Stop making Ghostbusters references you stupid Dane" replied a deep voice with a Norwegian accent. The sources of the two voices, along with three others, lazily sauntered into the room. All of them were donning brightly colored spandex uniforms, the tops stopping at their midriffs, showing off their kind of muscular abdomens. Lukas and Emil each had hoses spraying bug spray from large tubs being carried by Berwald and Matthias. Tino, who, in all honesty hated bugs and had only come because Berwald was going, was clinging onto the Swede's back, whimpering and clawing at his shoulders. Every nation in the room cheered as the nordic bug busters exterminated every last insect. By the time they were done, Alfred had fallen off of his wrecking ball, now a sobbing mess on the floor. He scooped up their corpses and held them close to his chest, shrieking.  
"My babies! My poor babies how could you?! You're all heartless, every last one of you!" Screamed Alfred, before he bolted out of the room. As he ran out the door, Tino hopped off of Berwald's back, landing on Alfred's muffler, which was actually Ivan's, successfully tripping him. Alfred fell to the ground face first in dramatic slow motion, and as he hit the ground, the loud crunches of Alfred's torso crushing the bug corpses was heard throughout the room. Nobody knows how long Alfred stayed like that. Then again, nobody really gave a shit either.

Ludwig glanced at the clock to see that only a mere few minutes had passed since Yao and Ivan had first burst in through the wall. Deciding that he had had enough of their shit, the German man went to hide in his man cave and read por- I mean fanfic- you know what porn sounds safer. Ludwig had gone away to read porn, leaving the others behind in the living room; with an exception of Kiku, who was doing god-knows-what in the kitchen.

Out of nowhere, Ivan's cellular device emitted a loud ringing sound, startling the Frenchmen whacking his ass behind him into a coma. Ivan stood up, pulled his phone out of his ear, and answered it, only to be scared half to death by some creepy Belarusian chick demanding his hand in marriage. Scared and pissed off as hell, Ivan hung up on his sister in mid-rant, ripped his jacket off, and turned into some big lizard guy, calling himself Ivanzilla.  
"Hey! You have no right to copy!", said the reader.  
"I mention Cotton Eye Joe, Wrecking Ball and Ghostbusters and only NOW do you call me out on it? Sheesh, tough crowd…", replied the author. Anyhow, Ivanzilla was too lazy to destroy shit, so he lazily trudged through a third wall, effectively collapsing half of the room; leaving the remaining nations hacking and wheezing from the dust and debris.

"Gentleman" by Psy could be heard in the distance. Thanks Im Yong Soo. All of the countries stood there, confused; except for Lukas, who was taking his clothes off for some reason. That was when Feliciano lost it; he tackled the Norweigian male to the ground, doing whatever-the-fuck-you-want-him-to-do-to-Lukas passionately. The other nordics stared at the scene in utter awe, as well as Matthew, Francis, and Yao. I left out Alfred because he's still crying over the dead bugs; and Arthur because he resumed licking tea cubes on the floor.

The group did this for what seemed like hours, until something finally happened again. Kiku burst through the kitchen door, covered in a hot, wet, creamy substance. His face expressed pure terror, and his feminine shrieks were loud enough to lure Ludwig out of his room. Ludwig glanced at his Japanese comrade with a confused expression before rolling up the magazine he had in his hand and smacking Kiku over the head with it, knocking him unconscious. All of the still-conscious nations gathered around the doorway to the kitchen, curious about why Kiku was screaming.

There is was… Surrounded by kettles, broken glass, and spilled tea. It was horrible; absolutely grotesque. The look of shock in its wide, red eyes gave away the fact that even it had no clue what happened. The hunched figure slowly stood up, keeping its back to the group. Its shoulders violently shook as it coughed and shuddered for a moment. Then the figure spoke; it was a mere whisper, but with the tense atmosphere being so silent, it sounded almost like yelling.

"I'm… Awesome…", whispered the voice, before the figure disappeared into oblivion, leaving nothing but a scalp.


End file.
